A Mother's Day Reflection

This holiday has not always been the easiest for me.  Since my mom died when I was 7 years old, this holiday has always brought with it a sting.  A persistent reminder of what I don't have.  As a child in school, we would make mother's day cards or flowers created from tissue paper.  I was bitter while I made them.  Sure, I had grandmothers (amazing grandmothers at that) who appreciated my childish craftsmanship, but I wanted to give the gifts to my mom.  But she wasn't there anymore.  She would never be there again.  So I didn't really appreciate this holiday.

Since childhood, I gained a step-mom.  My step-mom says that she gave birth to a 12 year old.  I will add to that - she gave birth to a very hormonal 12 year old.  Lisa and I have not always gotten along extremely well.  We had our battles when I was a teenager.  I am sure that I was at fault a lot - and I am sure that she was too.  We are not perfect people.  More than anything, it was hard to accept her as a mom and an authority figure in my life.  I believe that I was still grieving - and I think that I still grieve - the loss of my mom.  I never called Lisa "mom" directly - and I don't think that she ever expected it. 

You see, I had a mom - my mom  - and she was perfect in my eyes.  My mom knew that her days on this earth were short and from everything I remember, she made the most of those days.  I remember laughing with her, singing Michael Jackson songs with her, making fun desserts with her, taking nature walks with her, playing outside with her, having pie fights with her, playing dress up with her or going to the pool or beach with her.  Everything in my childhood that I can remember was wonderfully sweet because it was with her.  I also remember her lying in bed - fighting the cancer that so viciously beat her back down time and time again.  But she never let it get the best of her.  She was so strong.  Even when she was in bed, I remember her playing cards with me or reading with me.  She somehow smiled in the midst of all that.  As a child, I never really grasped the fact that she had pain.  One day I asked her, "mom, what do you feel like?  What does it feel like to have cancer?"  And she responded, "it feels like I have to throw-up all the time."  I don't know if that's really how she felt at the moment or if that's just how she knew I would understand it, but that really hit home with me because to this day, throwing up is one of my worst fears.  

So who can live up to that?  Who can live up to my expectation of a mom?  Anyone - in my eyes - would fail at taking my mom's place.  And yet, for years, I longed for someone to take her place - to fill that void in my heart.  I wanted someone to be my mom in my life - and yet each time anyone tried, I got disappointed because that person couldn't be her.  She was gone forever. 

And even though she is gone, I can still learn to lean on and love other members of my family.  Like I said, Lisa and I did not always get along in high school, but this year - this mother's day - I am seeing her in a different light.  I am not bitter that she's there and my mom is not.  I am thankful for the woman that she is - how she's special - how she's different.  She has never tried to be my mom - but she has always been there.  She has truly been there for me this year in particular - since James was born.  I didn't know how things would go as far as new family dynamics with a new baby thrown in the mix.  But the truth is - she was there to hold James when I needed a nap those first few weeks.  She brought me meals when I could not cook for myself.  She runs errands with me with a screaming baby in the backseat.  She is on the other end of the phone when I need to vent to someone.  She takes me out to eat lunch and holds James for me so I can actually enjoy my food.  She takes me shopping and she doesn't even like shopping.  She loves me and I love her.  She's not my mom.  I will probably never call her my mom.  But she has been so good to me and treated me like her daughter.  I could not ask for anything else. 

So this mother's day - I look back and I grieve what I am missing with the loss of my mom.  I look at the present and I am thankful for the step-mom that I have and the opportunity I have to be a new mom.  I look at the future and I know that I will never be perfect, but hope that in some ways I can be perfect in my son's eyes just like my mom was perfect in my eyes.